Stinking’ Snow

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photo-on-12-9-16-at-1-36-pmI HATE snow! I know, quite a statement from a guy who lives in Montana. I have my reasons though, and I’m going to regale you with them now.

1. Every time we have a snow storm, there are 6000 posts about it by my Facebook friends. Pretty impressive since I only have a little over 300 friends on my list. I don’t get it; do they not understand that all we have to do is step outside, and anybody with a pulse can clearly tell that it is all of the sudden a stinkin’ winter horrorland out there!? What the hell is wrong with them? The reason we all go on Facebook is to revel in other peoples misery, not be reminded of our own.

2. It makes it hard to walk. It’s not like I am out on a ten mile hike every day, as a matter of fact, most of my walking is done going down to the mailbox, into and out of work from the parking lot, and back and forth to the refrigerator. So fully one third of my walking is adversely effected. My driveway is at an incline, so more than once I have gone to get the mail and ended up rolling around like a turtle on its back trying to get this considerable girth unstuck from a snowdrift. I’m sure the neighbors were practically convulsing with laughter while watching that frolicsome spectacle………..for any of them reading this, you’re welcome, and I’m sorry you had to see that.

3. It brings out all those pathetic Pollyanna health nuts that just love to ski, and snowshoe, and ice skate and all that other winter wonderland garbage. You know the type, they wax their mustaches (both the men and women), drink craft beer, wear skinny jeans, eat sushi, and participate in activity without the distressing feeling shortness of breath. Man I hate those people! Actually I really love a lot of those people, I’m mostly just jealous that they can grow a mustache.

4. I have to put snow tires on my pickup. Later today I have to climb the hill in my back yard, in the snow, get into the shed, carry the tires down, go to the tire shop, get them put on, come home and carry my regular tires up the hill, and put them into the shed. On the upside, I only spent $500 on the tires, and will get to spend another $80 getting them put on. And yes I could have done it before it snowed, but who knew that we would get our first snowstorm by early December here in Montana?

5. People judge a guy for going to Dairy Queen when there is snow on the ground. I don’t care what they think, that place has eased more of life’s difficulties than all the psychiatrists in the world put together. The only problem is walking inside can get dangerous. (see #2)

So for all these reasons and more, I will be accepting donations for the purchase of a condo in Arizona. If I get a good enough response I will even set up a crowd funding site. So hit me up in the comment section below. In the mean time, I have to hit Dairy Queen so that I can work through the humiliation I will be feeling after my neighbors laugh at me for falling down while getting my snow tires out of the shed.



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