The Fat Man has alluded in past posts that family life was not always very picturesque. For a good portion of my marriage to Mrs. Fat Man, I was for lack of a better word a really shitty husband. From the beginning, The Fat Man was controlling, manipulative, and angry. I would frequently try to isolate her from her family, and would have done it to her friends too, but her family members have always been her friends, so I was able to kill two birds with one stone. I always told myself I was looking out for Mrs. FM’s needs, but I was just fooling myself, my desires were what I was really fulfilling. We went on through life, had three kids, worked, and lived. It was not all bad, I would say 40% of our life together was good. About seventeen years into our marriage, the Fat Man was a member of a large church in town, and helped start a popular ministry. I was feeling mighty righteous with everything that I was doing for God and my community, when it all unraveled. We had a lot of debt, and argued all the time. Then one evening during a particularly bad argument, The Fat Man became a “Wife Beater”, and he did it in front of his children. The FM finally had to admit i was what I had always thought I wasn’t. I was an abuser from the beginning of my marriage…There it is, the worst of me.
The next day, The FM went into church, stepped down from ministry, and talked to a pastor friend about the wretched act that took place the evening before. My friend opened his bible and showed me that God ordained men from the beginning to be leaders and lovers. He then said something that has stuck with me ever since. He said, ” Fat Man, if you have problems in your marriage, then you have either failed to lead, or to love, or both! ” So, I now believe that if I have problems in my marriage, I am the problem. It has been a number of years since this incident, and a whole lot of work has taken place. I am happy to say that there has been no more battering, and we are up to 85% on the good marriage scale.
Humanity being what it is, there is plenty of abuse out there. It could be a wife who belittles her husband to her friends, or a husband who derides his wife for being too fat, or a man who is too lazy to support his family, or someone who just straight up beats their partner up. There is hope, but the issue needs to be faced. If someone won’t admit they are an abuser, or the victim won’t seek help, the cycle will continue. Here is the web address to The National Domestic Violence Hotline. thehotline.org Below are the 15 warning signs of an abuser. If your partner has these signs, get someplace safe and call the hotline. If you see the signs in yourself, see a counselor as soon as possible. There is such a thing as redemption. You, your marriage, and your life can be redeemed, if you will first embrace the fact that you have a problem, then seek professional help in dealing with the problem. I hope this post gives you the insight you need to make your life better.
15 Warning signs of an abuser
- Telling you that you can never do anything right
- Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away
- Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members
- Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs
- Controlling every penny spent in the household
- Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
- Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
- Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
- Preventing you from making your own decisions
- Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
- Preventing you from working or attending school
- Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
- Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
- Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
- Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol